What I Don't Need For My Birthday

Umbrellas. 

You might think this a dull topic. 

But you'd be wrong. 

Today I received my fourth gift-umbrella. 

That's right - I have four umbrellas and they were all given to me.

I'm not sure why I attract them…but apparently I do. 

And I was about to write about how useless they are (no offence, gift-givers). 

In England ok, I get it. 

It's basic survival equipment. 

But in Malaysia?

If it's raining, an umbrella will not help you.

But then I started thinking...and they're actually all quite useful, in their own ways…

1) Patriotic Umbrella

Your standard collapsable. 

Good size, moderate quality. 

It was given to me on purely patriotic grounds; 

"I saw this and thought of you. Because you're English. And this is a Union Jack."

[ delivery! ]

Correct. 

Even if you don't keep the rain off, you can be proudly displayed. 

Like!

2) Weaponised Umbrella

This majestic beauty was an, "I'm leaving the country. What shall I do with this?" item. 

Impractically large.

Will I carry this around? 

No. 

But it serves as a fantastic emergency-weapon, now living in my car. 

[In case of repeat of How to Avoid a Smash n Grab...unnecessary, I hope]

3) Ref-ing Umbrella

It's a child-sized, strawberry emblazoned brolly. 

"I went to Cameron Highlands…and I got you this. And some strawberries."

Thanks. 

Curiously, there's a football at the end of the handle and a small whistle dangling from it... 

O.o

[not the real one...mine had a frilly edge]

I wish I could show you...but in a tragic turn of events, the day I choose to write this post, my ref-ing umbrella goes missing. 

I came home and my front doors were completely unlocked.

My housemates were out.

O.O

But curiously, instead of coming inside and stealing the TV, some cheeky fella has simply pinched the strawberry brolly. 

Sob.

4) Sunshade Umbrella

And to top off the list of umbrellas-which-are-not-useless, the Discovery Channel SUNSHADE umbrella. 

Serious functionality. 

Silver on top and black underneath. Thick and reflective. 

No heat or sun getting through that. 

And the open/close button?

It opens AND closes at the touch of a button.

[wow]

This beauty was an event-free-gift that my friend received. 

He was going to keep it. 

But then his mum told him to let me have it. 

"Ok fine, whatever. Take it."

And just like that, he lost the highest-quality umbrella I have ever held. 

Now coming from an English person, I'd say that's high praise. 

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But ah….that said, my birthday's coming up. And if you want to buy me something… ;) …I really don't need any more umbrellas...