Wednesday, 27 June 2012

How Not To Use Chop Sticks

Apparently I did something impressive a few days ago.

Went out to eat with some friends. 

As usual. 

I had kuey teow and was putting my chop stick skills to good use. 

A long time ago another friend gave me pink training-stix.

Now I have progressed onto the grown-up ones.


Everything was as normal, until I found a prawn. 

I wanted to pull the tail off, obviously, so I held it down with my chop sticks and with the other hand, yanked at the tail. 

But it was stuck very tight. 

So I pulled/pressed harder. 

And harder. 

And then my chop sticks snapped. 

Into 3 pieces.


Me: O.O!

Friend 1: O.O

Friend 2: O.O?

Friend 3: O.O

Friend 4: O.O!
Friend 1: Oh my god! In my whole life, I've never seen that before.

Not normal, ah?


Wednesday, 20 June 2012

How to Avoid a Smash n Grab

We all have that mentality that bad things won't happen to us. 

Even though fb is full of crime stories & it's all that anyone seems to talk about. 

Well today was my wake up call. 

I was driving to work, it was 8:45am.

As usual I was stuck in traffic, waiting at a red light (in Sungai Long, just before the highway).

My laptop and handbag on the passenger seat. 

And suddenly through my daydreams came a sound that wasn't right, that wasn't normal. 

I turned to see my passenger window shattered into tiny pieces - but glued in place by the tinting film - and the steely, emotionless face of the guy who was still sitting there, on the back of a bike, looking at me, at my belongings and hammering steadily at the window. 


Crimes like this happen so fast and yet so slowly. 

I sat there for the longest time and all I could think was - "someone's breaking into my car".

I can't do anything. 

My car is stuck in traffic. 

I don't have any weapons…realistically, what can I do?

I have no control. 

Then suddenly the slo-mo stopped and I grabbed by stuff and started honking my horn and screaming. 

You know that movie screams aren't real, right?

If you've ever been genuinely afraid, you'll know what I mean. 

It's not a scream. It's more like a roar, a deep throaty, angry roar. 

I hope you never have to hear that sound. 

And then they were gone - there was a driver and a smasher. 

They biked away and that was that. 

My window was left hanging, half attached, tiny pieces of window scattered on the floor. 

I called up my friend.

Friend: *sleepy mumbles*

Me: Oh…oh ya, I forgot you'd be sleeping. Sorry. But. Someonejusttriedtosmashmywindow, somonejustsmashedmywindow, Idon'tkwowwhattodo!

Friend: Ok, relax, are you ok?

And really, I was. 

It was &$£!?@% scary. 

But I thank God that;
a) I had my windows tinted with safety film.
b) It was daylight and they only wanted my laptop.
c) They didn't have weapons. 

I kept driving to work cos I didn't want to stop by the roadside after that...

My window was flapping in the breeze at bit, so I tore it down.


And everyone who passed looked at me like…crime victim. 


So now I have to fix my window. 

And follow my own, new safety rules;

a) Hide your bags. 
It's so obvious and I DO do that sometimes. But nothing happens so I get lazy. Now I will not be lazy. 

b) Memorise phone numbers!
What if they had taken my bag? I can't call anyone 'cos I don't remember anyone's number!

c) Find a Weapon…
That sounds a bit radical, hahaha, but I mean, if I at least had an umbrella by my seat…

d) Get darker tinting. 
I chose a very light tint. Maybe it looks like it wasn't tinted so that's why they tried. I'll get a darker one next time. And spend on a good one! Honestly, if it wasn't tinted, 100% they would have taken my bag and gone before I even realised what happened.


Monday, 18 June 2012

How to Avoid a Summons

I got busted again. 

Polis: You are not allowed to drive in the emergency lane. I will write you summons, ok?

Aww man. What to do? 

Me: Ok. 

I was just skipping some KL traffic because I'm not going to KL!!! 

Although this is perhaps not a legitimate excuse for breaking traffic rules...

Polis: Ok, ah?

Me: [shrugs] I guess so. 
I know what's coming. I'm not gonna do it. 

Polis: Tell me, how can I help you?

Me: =.=

Polis: Ah?

Me: I don't know. I broke the rule, I have to pay. It's ok. 

Polis: 300 ringgit, you know? You will have one week to pay. Ok?

Me: :)

C'est la vie. 

He starts to copy down the info on my driving licence. 

Then stops.

Polis: Ahh…I don't want to summon you. 

Me: :))

Polis: How, ah? I don't want to give you summons.

Ok! Don't give!


I know you want some dollar in your pocket but that's not how I roll, maaan.

Although I don't wanna pay rm300 either. 


[not my car. or my polis friend...]

A pause. 

Then suddenly;

Polis: Sudah kawin?

Me: O.O?

Polis: You speak BM?

Me: Sikit lah.

Polis: You, married?

I understood the first time! Hence the face! 

How to reply? 

What are the pros and cons of truth and lies in this situation??

I have been in a similar situation before!

Me: No... 

Polis: Ahh, belum kawin, I don't want to give you summon…

Me: :))

Polis: Ok ah. Don't use emergency lane again, ok?

Me: Okthankyou! :D

Drives away!!!

But…keliru sikit - is not being married really so pitiful that I deserve not to get a summons?


Friday, 15 June 2012

My First Birthday!!

Can you believe…one year has passed since my first ever blog post?!

One whole year!

When I first started writing I thought I might last a month. 

Or maybe three. 

But 12 months? 

12 months of stupid conversations, confusing cultural blunders and a document of the weirdest people that decided to introduce themselves to me. 

Who knew real life would prove so consistently puzzling?



My most-read blog post is A Very Sad Day.

Which is baffling to me, I can't understand why...

Maybe y'all read it by accident?

Not that I have favourite, but a much sillier post would be;

Or an early memory,

...or maybe you prefer the Cicak series or the classic,

Oh there's too many - go on, trawl the archives, re-live my year!


And readers...thanks for reading. 

There's at least two or three of you out there, chuckling when you shouldn't be. Looking me up in the library when you're supposed to be studying for exams or at the office when you should be writing important documents…the thought of your stifled giggles make me smile. 


And thanks to Raja and Effy. 

I'm not sure if you know it, but it was you guys who independently yet simultaneously set me on the blogging trail.



Let's see what stories and adventures this year will bring..!


Sunday, 10 June 2012


I went out for dinner with my friend, her husband and their 4 year old. 

This cute boy makes for good blog posts.

I should probably hang out with him more often. 

Anyway, in the car on the way to the mall:
* all "kid" sentences to be read in a sing-song voice with wild head and arm movements. 

Friend: Do you want Japanese or Italian?

Me: Err….

Kid: Japanese!

Me: O.O

Kid: Sushi!

Me: You like sushi?

Kid: Yes!

Me: Cool…

[kids don't normally like sushi. in my experience...]

Kid: I like sushi…because…because…

Me: ...

Kid: I am learning Japanese!

Me: Really?! Wow, can you teach me? 

Kid: o.0


Me: Teach me a word.

Kid: Errrr……O.O...SUSHI!

Me: =.=

Walked right into that one.

Friday, 1 June 2012


We had ourselves a serious rain storm last night. 

Mysteriously, surrounding areas were dry as I drove through them...

But that happens a lot.

I think there's a secret storm conductor on top of my building. 

Anyway, I arrived home & parked.

Stepped out the car and a small flood rolled over my toes.

I thought this quite dramatic, so stopped to snap a pic. 

Also delaying the inevitable wet trek to the house.

[...doesn't even look had to be there] 

And then the BRIGHTEST lightening and LOUDEST thunder I have EVER heard in my WHOLE LIFE!!

I FELT it!

And it melted a fuse somewhere because suddenly ALL the parking lights went out. 




Thunder, lightening, torrential rain and a black out!!

You've never seen me move so fast - enough with this stupid posing!

I grabbed all my bags and leapt out of the car. 

Dropped my keys.

Managed to grab them just before they got swept away. 

Not kidding. 

And ran to the safety of my home.


Where I found my housemate eating dinner alone, gazing a blank computer screen.

[reconstruction of actual events]


I questioned him.

Me: Are you watching a blank screen?

Him: No, I'm watching the sky. 

Aw. That's nice. 

He told me the huge lightening had also fried our internet modem.

And he let out a deep sigh.

Him: Only one thing I can do now. 

Me: What?

Him: Have whiskey.


Pour one for me too…