Friday, 29 March 2013

Proton Wira VS. Toyota Camry

Well there's no contest, is there?

You all know how this ends. 

And I'm driving the Wira. 


Short version of the story is that I drove into the back of a Camry. 

I won't go into the details but it wasn't entirely my fault. 

Maybe 40% my fault…

: /

These are the injuries suffered by the Camry:


It's not even dented. 

Just scratched.  

Here's my Proton:


As though I smashed head first into a TRUCK.


No injuries.

But clearly I can't pay for that, hello insurance. 

Off to the polis station (a very pleasant experience, in comparison to all my "polis on the streets" dramas).

Thank you, Kajang Polis.

Then farewell to my little car on the back of a tow truck. 


A few days later I went back to pay my summons and pick up my copy of the report to take to the workshop.

Me: Hi, I've come to pay my summons… :(

Polis: Wait for a while ah, it's not in the system yet. 

Wow…I bet that never happens!

I should get a discount for paying so promptly. 


Picked up my report. 

Went to the workshop. 

Me: Hi, I've come to give you my polis report...

Lady: Oh…I think I already have it. 

That's not possible. 

I just picked it up. 

Lady: Ya, I have it, here. 

She shows it to me. 


Lady: Just a while ago, ah, you know Mohd Nor. He pass it to me. 

Me: …huh? Who?

Lady: Your friend?

Me: O.o?

Lady: Mohd Nor…Malay man..?

Me: I don't know who that is.

Friend: Issit the guy who gave you his business card?

Tow truck uncle!

Me: OoooOoooh. Is that normal? Why would he do that? How did he do that..?

And also, why not tell me la, save my RM4 and trip to the workshop.


That's nice. 


Monday, 18 March 2013

No Spare Type

I was in an unfamiliar car park. 

It was daytime, don't worry, this isn't a terrible tale. 

But I didn't know where to pay for my ticket.

Me: Where do I pay?

Guard: ...O.o?

I wave my ticket at him. 

He points,

Security Guy: Bayar sana.


I walk towards my car. 

Guard: Kak…

I turn around and he's pointing at my car…

Or more precisely, at my FLAT TYRE!!



How now?

I stand there and look at it for a while. 

I wonder who I should call.

Someone who is a combination of "nearby" and "useful".

I ponder. 

[if my car had a face, it would've been this]

Then the maintenance man appears. 

Maintenance Man: You have spare tyre?

Me: No.

Maintenance Guy: O.O?

He's skeptical...

Maintenance Guy: In here?

He points at my boot.

Me: Oh, maybe..!


I open my boot and lo and behold, I have a beautiful spare tyre. 


Maintenance Guy: You have a jack?

Me: No.

He rummages in my boot and pulls out both a jack and some other useful looking tools. 

Me: Oh. That's good. 

The maintenance man and the security guard both look at me. 

Me: ?:)

Then at each other.

I know what just happened: "So bro - who's it gonna be?"


The security guy stares, noncommittally, so Heroic Maintenance Man gets to work, removing my useless tyre.  

Which has a big, fat nail in it. 

An associate of theirs cruises past on his bike and happily shouts,

Biker: Punctuuure?

Maintenance man nods. 


Me: Is that normal here, biasa?

Maintenance Man confirms, yup, biasa. 

Bad car park!!

Minutes later I have a gloriously attached and functioning tyre.

Me: Terima kasih banyak!! :))

I try to shake his hand but it's dirty so he politely denies me and walks away.

No tricks. 

No alterior motive.

Good people still exist!


Sunday, 10 March 2013

Chicken, Eggs & The Polis

I was having a work-at-home-day. 

About 4pm I was hungry & going crazy from the lock-in. 

Decided to go buy eggs. 

You can make anything with eggs.

[amazing eggs]

As I was driving I suddenly had the brilliant idea to buy taiwan fried chicken. 

Which meant a change of direction and going -slightly- out of my taman. 

Polis Road Block. 

[curse you, delicious chicken]

They stop me. 

*winds down window*

Polis: License

I had over my visa-card. 

Polis: Where are you from?

Me: England

Polis: How long have you been here?

Me: 3 years

Polis: Student?

Me: No, working. 

Polis: Where?

Me: In a college...

Polis: Married?


Me: No.

He smiles. 

And sends me over to the side for more questions. 

Here we go. 


Another polis officer comes over. 

He asks me all the same questions then asks for my license. 

I give it to him. 

Polis 2: Why you don't have local license?

Omg, are you serious.

JPJ is such a mess. 

Polis 2: This you can only use for three months in Malaysia. 

Me: Ya I know. I went to UK in January. So it's only been 2 months. 

Polis 3: So how?

Me: What?

Polis 3: Ya, it's your fault.

Me: What's my fault? I didn't do anything wrong. 


After a while he gives up on the bribe-attempt and gets someone else to have a go. 

Another officer comes over and has a very similar conversation, this time including, where is your passport and where are you going - passport at home, going to buy eggs.

Then he also gives up. 

And my original polis officer comes over. 

Me: Tolong, I nak beli telur, sahaja…

Polis: You can speak Malay?

He doesn't really care about my eggs. 

He wants to ask me the same questions as everyone else. 

But then he has an idea.

Polis: Where is your boyfriend? He's Malay or English? 

Me: I don't have...

He smiles.

Polis: Ok, this time I just give you warning, ah? Because we are friends. I want to learn English, nak belajar, ah. My English not very good.

Yay, time to go!

Me: No, it's ok already :)

Polis: I want to learn - you can teach me?

Come on, give me back my license.

Me: Haha, ya, boleh...

Polis: So where is your number?


Me: I can't give you my number…

He looks pissed and walks off. 


No fair!!

Back comes serious-looking Mr. Polis 2. 

Polis 2: I need to see your passport. 

Me: o.o? Really?

Polis 2: Yes. You can U-turn here, then come back. 


Me: Really? You need to see my passport?

Polis 2: Yes. How do I know, you've been here 2 years or two months?

Me: I have to come all the way back up, through this traffic?

The massive traffic jam that their unnecessary road block has created. 

Polis 2: Yes. 

Me: Ok. Can. But it will take me half an hour or an hour to get back here. With all that traffic.

Polis 2: Ok.

So annoyed. 

Me: Can I go and get my eggs first?

Polis 2: Ok. 

Me: Ok. 

Polis: Coming back, ah.

Me: Ya, ok…

I leave. 

I'm not coming back. 

I call my lawyer friend to make sure this is a good decision. 

Friend: Did they write anything down?

Me: No.

Friend: Did they take any pictures?

Me: No. 

Friend: Then don't go back la! Nothing to worry about. If you go, definitely they will try to get something from you. 


Do your jobs laaaa, polis, stop simply harassing!!!!!!!


The she added,

Friend: Hey, so how can we make you look less white..?

Me: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Ya man, I had sunglasses, shorts…habis, la.  


Sunday, 3 March 2013

The Next Day

I've been staying at my friend's house for the past 2 weeks. 

The house guardian, whilst they're away. 

It's a beautiful house and my instructions were simple - please water the plants. 

The alarm system was also relatively straight-forward.

Activate at night and when you go out. 

Now, when explaining how it works, of course you need to explain what would happen if someone breaks in. 

An unlikely eventuality. 

But during that conversation - we've been broken into before, these windows on the roof are always open, so if they have a rope… - it feels like IT WILL HAPPEN. 

I spent the first night alone, terrified. 


Then I got over it. 

And everything was fine. 

Until the morning after Kena Tipu

I woke up and got ready for work.

Still quite distracted, thinking about what had happened the night before, I strolled boldly through the house, towards the kitchen, aiming for the milo.

One step too far…



I literally LEAPT into the air - so LOUD?!

And TERRIFYINGcan'tbreathe!



Phone also RINGING!

OMG, so many things?!



I ran down to the control panel and keyed in the code. 



Answered the phone - letting me know the alarm was set off. 


I was trembling!

For a good 10 minutes - a lot of deep breaths and pacing, finally it stopped. 


I'd be a terrible robber. 

Scared myself half to DEATH.