Monday, 30 July 2012

Follow Who?

Subtitle: Possibly the most confusing blog-post ever. 

Friend: Wait, so…what's happening?

We're in a car park. 

It's Saturday night and there are some complicated dinner plans. 

6 adults, 2 kids, 4 cars. 

It would make sense to car-pool. 

But one friend, and I shall begin numbering people at this point, wants to go straight home afterwards.

But he doesn't know the way to the restaurant.

Friend 2: How?

Friend 3: You guys just follow our car.

This was greeted with a confused silence. 

Because Friend 3 already has a full car. 

So how to follow?


Suggestion silently ignored. 

Friend: [to me] So…should we follow your car?


Friend 4 is taking you home.

Go with Friend 4.

Friend 4: [to me] So you'll follow us?

Also no. 

Then we all have to come back here later to get my car.

Friend 4: Err…but I don't know the way to the restaurant either…

Me: What?

Why is this confusing?!

[the uphill struggle...]

As we all stood there like idiots, Friend 3 took decisive action and drove away.

Me: Ok it's like this. We all drive separately and seeing as I'm the only person left who knows the way…you all follow my car. 

Nobody moved. 

Friend:    o.O?

Friend 2: o.O?

Friend 4: o.O?


Then it suddenly clicked. 

Me: English-follow!! You English-follow my car with your car!! Not Malaysian-follow, get in my car.

All: Ooooohhhhhhh!!!! Ok. 



Thursday, 26 July 2012

Why There's No Sunroof

I went on a mini-road trip to do some video shooting. 

The boys were showing off their car. 

"Look at these tyres, ooh, stylish interior, wow, infinity edge windows, this is totally designed for dudes", etc, etc.

Four of us scrambled inside.

I was in the back.

And I noticed that the car had a sunroof.

Which, I commented, is a rare thing to see in Malaysia. 

Driver: Yeah! Guys, check this out…

He pushed the "open sunroof" button.

The fact that it had rained the night before wasn't  even a thought in his mind. 

As the sunroof slowly slid back - imagine those annoying, shuffly arcade games - the rubber sealing pushed a small cascade of water into the front seats, right on top of their heads. 
Driver & Front Passenger: Oooohhhh!

Driver: That wasn't in the ad!

[No, it wasn't a Mercedes. But the sunroof was like this...]

Oh well, it's open already, lets cruise. 

So they wiped their heads and shirts…and the dashboard, and we moved a few meters down the road. 

Front Passenger: Oh wait! I need something from my car.

The driver squeezed the brake…

…the momentum of which channeled all the water from the top of the car down into the sunroof hole, creating an even more dramatic waterfall into the car.

Driver & Front Passenger: OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!
All: O.O

Driver: This is so not part of the cool….


Maybe that's why there's not too many sunroof'd cars around here..?

Monday, 23 July 2012

Durian Cheesecake

I do hate durian. 

It's something that people love to insist on me eating but before you ask - YES - I have tried it and - NO - I do not enjoy it. 

From my memory I didn't object to the taste, exactly. 

But the hideous smell and the SICKENING texture of the thing. 

It completely grosses me out and I have no desire or reason to attempt to like it. 

But many, many people have also said to me, "It's so delicious in other things, you'll like it".

e.g. durian pancakes. Or durian curry. 

Or whatever. 

I was a bit skeptical. 

But happy to be proven wrong. 

And, based on so many similar comments and the fact that I remember not hating the taste itself, I was willing to try. 

This weekend came my opportunity. 

Durian Cheesecake. 

Homemade by a friend's mother. 

Everyone I know says it's the best Durian Cheesecake they've ever had. 

And I love cheesecake. 

So if I will like Durian-flavoured-anything, this will be it. 

And it looked amazing. 

Really amazing. 

Until the lid was taken off the container. 

And my excitement turned to apprehension. 
Friend: You must eat it, you promised you would try!

I did?

[there it is...]

Friend: Really, it's so delicious, you will love it! Here, I've cut it for you. 

I took the plate. 

Deep breath.

(bad idea?)

I forked the end off and raised it to my mouth. 

It smelt like sick. 

Like throw up.

The closer it came to my mouth, the more I felt like gagging. 

But it's just the smell, right?

Get past that and it's yummy, right??

In my mouth. 

Me: O.O


I want to die!!!

But your mum made this, how?!

I ran to the kitchen to secretly spit it out. 

I was followed by Friend 2, another force-fed Durian-skeptic, who stood in the doorway, laughing at me, making his own head-shaking, disgusted-by-durian faces.

Friend 2: PRICELESS!! hahahahahha

I rinsed my mouth. 

Returned to the living room, smiling. 

Me: Yeah…I don't really like it. 

Friend: No, you didn't try the cream, eat the cream.

Me: Is it durian flavoured? I'm not sure it will make a difference??

I did try it. 

It didn't make a difference.

I'm sorry durian…you and me?

We're officially over. 

Friday, 20 July 2012

After-Hours at the Office

I just got home from work. 

Actually…about 2 hours ago. 


I had to sit in on a call from the US…12 hour time difference, what to do?


So obviously there's no one else in the office that late. 

Except my boss. 

Who was sitting in his room.


So there was he and there was me. 

Waiting for my other boss to arrive.

It's quite creepy there, at night, alone - lots of long, dark corridors and shiny, reflective windows. 

And silence. 


I went to the bathroom. 

Which was already a bit scary. 

I was fighting with myself to not take second glances or look behind me. 

No need to feed the beast!

But I was thinking about all this creepy stuff and how, whilst waiting for the call, I should go and take scary corridor pictures and get some attention on Facebook. 

So I walked back into the main office area and looked to my right, down the corridor, to assess if it looked haunted enough. 

And I froze. 

There's a glass panel at the end - a classroom window.

And I saw a reflection. 

Of a figure. 

A smooth, white, outline of a figure. 


100% truth.

It was just standing. Looking straight at me.





I spun left - how not to?? - to see where it came from.


It was my other boss, standing in her doorway. 

Wearing a white tudung. 

[this is already creepy and it's just my own reflection...]

My heart slowly resumed pumping. 

I have never been so glad to see her…

....and I could hear my other boss laughing at me, from his room...

Monday, 16 July 2012

What I Don't Need For My Birthday


You might think this a dull topic. 

But you'd be wrong. 

Today I received my fourth gift-umbrella. 

That's right - I have four umbrellas and they were all given to me.

I'm not sure why I attract them…but apparently I do. 

And I was about to write about how useless they are (no offence, gift-givers). 

In England ok, I get it. 

It's basic survival equipment. 

But in Malaysia?

If it's raining, an umbrella will not help you.
But then I started thinking...and they're actually all quite useful, in their own ways…

1) Patriotic Umbrella
Your standard collapsable. 

Good size, moderate quality. 

It was given to me on purely patriotic grounds; 

"I saw this and thought of you. Because you're English. And this is a Union Jack."

[ delivery! ]


Even if you don't keep the rain off, you can be proudly displayed. 


2) Weaponised Umbrella
This majestic beauty was an, "I'm leaving the country. What shall I do with this?" item. 

Impractically large.

Will I carry this around? 


But it serves as a fantastic emergency-weapon, now living in my car. 

[In case of repeat of How to Avoid a Smash n Grab...unnecessary, I hope]

3) Ref-ing Umbrella
It's a child-sized, strawberry emblazoned brolly. 

"I went to Cameron Highlands…and I got you this. And some strawberries."


Curiously, there's a football at the end of the handle and a small whistle dangling from it... 


[not the real one...mine had a frilly edge]

I wish I could show you...but in a tragic turn of events, the day I choose to write this post, my ref-ing umbrella goes missing. 

I came home and my front doors were completely unlocked.

My housemates were out.


But curiously, instead of coming inside and stealing the TV, some cheeky fella has simply pinched the strawberry brolly. 


4) Sunshade Umbrella
And to top off the list of umbrellas-which-are-not-useless, the Discovery Channel SUNSHADE umbrella. 

Serious functionality. 

Silver on top and black underneath. Thick and reflective. 

No heat or sun getting through that. 

And the open/close button?

It opens AND closes at the touch of a button.


This beauty was an event-free-gift that my friend received. 

He was going to keep it. 

But then his mum told him to let me have it. 

"Ok fine, whatever. Take it."

And just like that, he lost the highest-quality umbrella I have ever held. 

Now coming from an English person, I'd say that's high praise. 


But ah….that said, my birthday's coming up. And if you want to buy me something… ;) …I really don't need any more umbrellas...

Thursday, 5 July 2012

How to do Student/Teacher Bonding. Or not...

I was in the corridor, walking back to class after a break.

A student caught up with me.

My funniest and most random student. 

Who talks super-fast, almost like a rapper.

I think he actually is a rapper…

Student: Hey Miss…so…who was that on the phone just now? 

He added some suggestive, raised eyebrows.

[a lot like this]

Me: ..?

Student: You were all like…*swirling hand gestures & more eyebrows*…You know...

Me: …*narrowed eyes*

Student: Come on, you can tell me. I think it's time for some student teacher bonding.

Me: Not that kind of bonding.

He took a thoughtful pause…deciding his next move. 

It was funny to watch. 

I tried to not laugh. 

But I failed.

His eyes lit up.

Student: Who was it?


Student: Someone who's gonna put a ring? 

He mimes putting a ring on a finger.

Me: I doubt it.

Student: In the process?

Me: I doubt it.

Student: Good friends? 

Very excited eyebrows...

Me: A friend.

Student: Oh I see...Ok...I understand. 

The eyebrows continue bouncing up and down. He has a "knowing" look on his face…he backs away slowly, melting into the corridor, making hypnotising hand gestures as he does so...


This happened a long time ago. 

And I didn't post it because it was stupid. 

But this student appeared at my desk today.

Student: Hey Miss. 

Me: Hi! Long time, how are you?

Student: Good. How are you? ...Are you married yet?

Me: What?

He pulls a slightly shifty face.

Student: Err, yeah, you know…you used to be on the phone..?

Holds up his hand like a phone.

Me: =.=

Monday, 2 July 2012

Do "Hunger Goggles" Exist?

I'm fasting right now. 

I know you're not supposed to publicise it…but it's a whole church event, so I guess most people know. 

It's day 2 and all I can think about is food. 


So I am going to reminisce about a recent dinner at Bubba Gumps. 

It was so delicious…

But the story is about the waiter, not the food.

Actually there was two of them - a guy taking the order and a girl watching. 

Friend: Why is there two of you? Are you training him?

Waiter: No, I'm training her.

Waitress: Hehe ^.^

Waiter: Ouch. 

So that was a good start. 

He managed to avoid us for most of the meal, forcing other waiters to come to our table, breathless:
Waiter: Stop Forrest Stop!
Us: Hahahaha

But towards the end we wanted our original guy back. 

To ask awkward questions about the size and price of hot chocolate, amongst other things...

Friend: Where's our waiter?

Friend 2: There.

Friend: Where? No, not that one. The other one.

Me: The first one?

Friend: Yes, our waiter. 

Me: That's him. 

Friend: No! It's not him!

Friend 3: Yeah, that's the same guy. 

Friend: Nooo…the other one. 

Friend 4: =.=

Friend: Oh…what? Is that really our waiter? But he was good looking before!
Friend 2: O.O
Friend: Maybe I was just really hungry…

Hunger goggles?

Are they real?
[like beer googles...but different]

Because by this logic, I should be seeing a lot of "cute" guys.

I better be careful…