Feminine Hands

#tbt

On a Tuesday. 

Why not.

;) 

A male student walks into the staff room and sits down next to me. 

After the usual conversation openers,

Student: Look. 

He does a slow, glamorous "jazz hands" in my face. 

The little finger on each hand has a coat of glittery nail polish. 

-.-'

Me: What? Why?

Student: I have very feminine hands. I was testing it out. 

[he was A LOT happier than this...]

Me: …right. Then you decided to do a second nail as well…?

Student: Yeah. To balance it. 

He rolls his fingers dramatically. 

Well with that logic....

Me: Why didn't you just do the whole hand?

Student: Too dangerous. Gays. 

Me: :O

He chuckles, philosophically. 

Student: I don't know why they always come to me. I need to build up my body. I have quite a chick-ly look….

Me: :O

Speechless. 

I just stared...

Doctor Rage

When you're too busy, falling sick is an appealing idea. 

A day in bed?

Yes please...

But then you actually get sick and it HURTS and it's incredibly BORING.

This happened last week. 

Sigh.

I suffered through work for 2 days, spread my germs around and then on day 3, collapsed in bed.

I had flu. 

(Actual flu, not just a cold.)

To top off a sucky day, I had to go see the doctor.

I just needed an MC. 

Flu doesn't require drugs, it just needs time. 

But I knew he was gonna sell me drugs. 

This really annoys me.

Me: I'm going to request no antibiotics. 

Friend: Why?

Me: Because they're expensive and they're not necessary. 

Friend: Why?

Me: Because I have flu. And flu is a virus. And antibiotics are for bacterial infections. 

Friend: No, flu isn't always a virus…

Me: Yes it is…

Friend: No, it can be anything.

Me: What?…it's a virus. 

We argued about this for a while and finally agreed that it's not good to take unnecessary antibiotics. 

The usual clinic was closed.

Which made me happy as I don't like that doctor. 

So we went to another and waited 30 minutes. 

Then I went into the consultation room….

O.O

Hot doctor!

Curses!

Here's another thing that really annoys me. 

When you're genuinely sick, you're too sick to get up and see the doctor. 

So you go later, when you're a bit better. 

But by then, you don't seem sick anymore and the doctor thinks your lying to get an MC.

=.=

So you have to make a special effort to look sick, even though you're improving. 

My inner monologue was a bit like this: Hot doctor! Oh wait, I'm sick. And deliberately unattractive. Sigh. Give up.

Hot doctor turned out to be a good doctor. 

And I trusted him to prescribe appropriate drugs. 

I left the room.

Friend: So did you ask for no antibiotics?

Me: Um…no. 

Friend: Why?

Me: I was distracted. I didn't ask any questions…

0.o

Then the nurse revealed my supplies:

Cough syrup

Drugs for "Pain"

Drugs for "Fever"

Antibiotics for God-only-knows-what.

RM40.

Huh?

Angry!

Betrayed by Hot Doctor!

I marched back into the consulting room. 

Me: Excuse me, hot doctor! Why have you prescribed me all this CRAP?? You know I don't need any of this, right??? Do you know that? You can gave me MC for ONE day and FOURTY BUCKS worth of drugs?? HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A DOCTORRR!!!!!

...Nah, I didn't really do that. 

But next time I will.

Because I have a great deal of disappointment and rage towards Hot Doctor for selling out like that.

I only took the cough syrup. 

And I got better by myself, in a few days. 

Hmph.

ATVs in the Jungle

Friend: Here, quick, just get on this one and do the test rounds. 

This is how I found myself climbing onto an ATV for the first time ever, about to start shooting a video. 

: /

Of course, I missed the "how-to" briefing because I was shooting something else.

Which to be fair, hadn't seemed important, as I wasn't planning on getting on the vehicle at any point.

Instructor: *mumble, vague hand gesture*

It was some kind of instruction for turning it on. 

Me: O.o?

Instructor: *louder mumble, repeated vague gesture*

I attempt to copy.

Me: O.O?

And fail horribly.

Instructor: =.= 

He puts my hand in the actual correct place. 

And repeat. 

At least 3 times for all the levers and buttons I was supposed to press.

Finally, the beast was alive. 

I was sent on my way with a wave of the hand - GO! Practice!

As I rounded the first corner and started bouncing rapidly down a hill, I was suddenly gripped by a deep and terrible panic.

I don't know how to stop. 

O.O

Literally.

There are a lot of levers and buttons. 

And I don't know what they're for.

And my speed is increasing. 

And there are a lot of people watching.

OMG WHERE'S THE $@**^£@ BRAKE!?!?!?!

@.@

…this is what the briefing is for…

I praise God for simple reflexes and that a childhood spent on bicycles meant the first thing I grabbed for was, in fact, the brake. 

----------

With the accelerator and the brake under control, it was time to shoot.

My friend put on the helmet cam and handed me the loose camera.

Friend: You need to get to the front so we can shoot them all coming up.

Me: >.O

This is a new face.

It means, brain agrees, and is trying to think about shots…but brain is a little distracted with new skill and trying to avoid death.

Anyway, it's too late - they've started driving.

And the very first part of the course is a ridiculous hill - ridiculous in its incline and the uneven-ness of its surface.

After almost flipping the beastly ATV backwards up the hill, losing a leg and knocking my head on a low-hanging bamboo, I reached the top.

Now his eyes were open.

Friend: Gimme that.

He took the loose camera and thrust the helmet-cam in my direction.

Much better idea.

[scarier than it looks. honestly.]

Real Life Slasher Movie

I've been very occupied recently with a new venture - theatre.

Come along and watch my play(s)!

Writing was easy. 

Directing, less so.

I have two actors. 

One night in rehearsal we'd finished around 8pm.

So it was dark outside and we were the last people in the building.

We carried everything out of the rehearsal room.

I ask my actor,

Me: Eh, you're last out, switch off the light?

We dump everything in the staff room, lights off, lock up, and are about to leave.

He didn't turn out the light. 

=.=

We all look down the dark corridor.

Actor: We'll wait here. 

Me: No, you have to come!

I know how dark it gets. 

I'm not going alone. 

Together we go & switch out the last light. 

It's super dark. 

The college is like a maze of window-less corridors and the few windows there are let in the tiniest sliver of moonlight. 

It's creepy.

Actor: Oh…

Me: What?

Actor: I left my water bottle in the staff room…

Actress: Really?

Actor: Yeaaaah… 

=.=

We trapse back towards the staff room.

In silence.

It feels like we're all thinking the same thing, but no one wants to say it out loud.

Until, quietly, from behind my ear...

Actor: This is the part in the movie where someone gets killed…

Me: I know right?

I couldn't quite see his eyes.

Me: Eeee..!

I ran away a little, feeling like that might be his cue to stab me…

Breathe. 

That's silly.

I rummaged in my bag for the staff room key. 

In the semi-darkness. 

Then I stepped forward, reaching blindly for the key hole. 

I push the key into the door…AND THE DOOR OPENS!! 

FREAKOUT - OMG - I LOCKED IT ALREADY, HOWISITOPENOMG?!?!

*TERRIFIED DOUBLE GASP & DROP THE KEY*

Actor: No, no, don't do that?!

Me: But-, I-, the door-!??!!?

Actor thinks I'm playing a cruel trick, steps forward, reaches into the staff room and switches on the light. 

Which reveals that I had, in fact, locked the door but that I hadn't closed it properly first.

So it was still open. 

[this is luther. we created him in rehearsals. now i bet you're wondering what the play is about, huh?]

I explained. 

Actor: Oh. I like how you thought someone was going to kill you…so you took one step backwards.

>.<

I was like….proper too scared to move. 

I hope no one does try to kill me cos I clearly won't do much about it…

--------------------

**don't forget to come n catch Short + Sweet Theatre Week 1@KLPac, 17th-20th Oct ;) **

The Press Conference That Wasn't

My friend sent me an email the other day, inviting me to a press conference. 

It was with some Malaysian Youtube "Stars".

She couldn't go and as it was in my area and about my industry (video - yay!), she though of me.

Me: It's gonna be like a panel interview, I just listen and take notes?

Friend: I'm not sure, it could be like a press conference or you might get 1-on-1 time with them? There are over 75 bloggers invited so that might seem impossible.

Me: Ok!

This conversation was mere hours before it started. 

Very late notice. 

So off I went, bringing 2 blogging friends with me. 

We arrived, perfectly on time, at the venue.

Which was a restaurant.

That looked quiet and empty and nothing like a press conference…

Me: Hi, we're here for the press conference.

Waiter: ^.^? 

Me: Urrr….

Waiter: Do you have a reservation?

Me: Ummm...

OMG we're in the wrong place.

Waiter: There's a table reserved for "Yasmin" in the back, for 10 people. It could be that? 

Me: I don't think so...

Friend: Are you sure it's here?

OH NO, I've done it again.

Failed to accurately read information in emails. 

This should not become a habit.

Me: I'm sure it was here! Do you have internet on your phone??

Friend: Yes. 

Me: Okcheckmyemails! 

The email was from Yasmin. 

There you go, we do want the table in the back. 

Pause for thought: there's a table in the back of the restaurant reserved for 10 people. 

We walked through the restaurant. 

At the back section we found the "press conference". 

4 youtubers, 3 bloggers and a newspaper, sitting around a table. 

O.O

UNPREPARED FOR INTIMATE INTERVIEW!

Welcome to my life. 

Unprepared for everything.

And yet...

Here's the semi-sensible blog post resulting from the press conference that wasn't a press conference.

[that was my actual expression.]

Premature Holiday Feelings

Oh, it's all happiness and food now that Raya's on its way!

[ :) ]

This morning I had my last class before the holidays.

Joyfully, I went to lunch, a vast freedom stretching out before me...

...I strolled back into the staff room...

...relaxed at my desk...

...started thinking about the work I need to finish up that afternoon...

When suddenly a panicked student appeared:

Student: Miss?

I looked over, then looked away - not my student, must be talking to someone else. 

Student: Miss. 

Maybe not? 

Me: Me?

Student: Yah.

Me: Oh. Yes?

Student: Do you know you have class with us now?

Me: …what?

Student: Yeah. 

o.0

Me: Do I? Who are you? 

Student nods his head.

Student: MTD26...

Me: ...Are you sure? What am I supposed to be teaching you?

Student: Screenplay...

Me: Huh…

I run to check the timetable. 

He's right.

Me: Why didn't I know this?

Student smiles sheepishly. 

Me: Ok, let's go...

Holiday feeling…FAIL.

=.=

Why There's No Sunroof

I went on a mini-road trip to do some video shooting. 

The boys were showing off their car. 

"Look at these tyres, ooh, stylish interior, wow, infinity edge windows, this is totally designed for dudes", etc, etc.

Four of us scrambled inside.

I was in the back.

And I noticed that the car had a sunroof.

Which, I commented, is a rare thing to see in Malaysia. 

Driver: Yeah! Guys, check this out…

He pushed the "open sunroof" button.

The fact that it had rained the night before wasn't  even a thought in his mind. 

As the sunroof slowly slid back - imagine those annoying, shuffly arcade games - the rubber sealing pushed a small cascade of water into the front seats, right on top of their heads. 

Driver & Front Passenger: Oooohhhh!

Driver: That wasn't in the ad!

[No, it wasn't a Mercedes. But the sunroof was like this...]

Oh well, it's open already, lets cruise. 

So they wiped their heads and shirts…and the dashboard, and we moved a few meters down the road. 

Front Passenger: Oh wait! I need something from my car.

The driver squeezed the brake…

…the momentum of which channeled all the water from the top of the car down into the sunroof hole, creating an even more dramatic waterfall into the car.

Driver & Front Passenger: OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!

All: O.O

Driver: This is so not part of the cool….

Hmm.

Maybe that's why there's not too many sunroof'd cars around here..?

After-Hours at the Office

I just got home from work. 

Actually…about 2 hours ago. 

10pm. 

I had to sit in on a call from the US…12 hour time difference, what to do?

=.=

So obviously there's no one else in the office that late. 

Except my boss. 

Who was sitting in his room.

-----------------------------------------------------------

So there was he and there was me. 

Waiting for my other boss to arrive.

It's quite creepy there, at night, alone - lots of long, dark corridors and shiny, reflective windows. 

And silence. 

...

I went to the bathroom. 

Which was already a bit scary. 

I was fighting with myself to not take second glances or look behind me. 

No need to feed the beast!

But I was thinking about all this creepy stuff and how, whilst waiting for the call, I should go and take scary corridor pictures and get some attention on Facebook. 

So I walked back into the main office area and looked to my right, down the corridor, to assess if it looked haunted enough. 

And I froze. 

There's a glass panel at the end - a classroom window.

And I saw a reflection. 

Of a figure. 

A smooth, white, outline of a figure. 

Seriously. 

100% truth.

It was just standing. Looking straight at me.

o.O

O.O

!!

NO WORDS!

I spun left - how not to?? - to see where it came from.

=.=

It was my other boss, standing in her doorway. 

Wearing a white tudung. 

[this is already creepy and it's just my own reflection...]

My heart slowly resumed pumping. 

I have never been so glad to see her…

....and I could hear my other boss laughing at me, from his room...

How to do Student/Teacher Bonding. Or not...

I was in the corridor, walking back to class after a break.

A student caught up with me.

My funniest and most random student. 

Who talks super-fast, almost like a rapper.

I think he actually is a rapper…

Student: Hey Miss…so…who was that on the phone just now? 

He added some suggestive, raised eyebrows.

[a lot like this]

Me: ..?

Student: You were all like…*swirling hand gestures & more eyebrows*…You know...

Me: …*narrowed eyes*

Student: Come on, you can tell me. I think it's time for some student teacher bonding.

Me: Not that kind of bonding.

He took a thoughtful pause…deciding his next move. 

It was funny to watch. 

I tried to not laugh. 

But I failed.

His eyes lit up.

Student: Who was it?

Me: …

Student: Someone who's gonna put a ring? 

He mimes putting a ring on a finger.

Me: I doubt it.

Student: In the process?

Me: I doubt it.

Student: Good friends? 

Very excited eyebrows...

Me: A friend.

Student: Oh I see...Ok...I understand. 

The eyebrows continue bouncing up and down. He has a "knowing" look on his face…he backs away slowly, melting into the corridor, making hypnotising hand gestures as he does so...

--------------------------------------

This happened a long time ago. 

And I didn't post it because it was stupid. 

But this student appeared at my desk today.

Student: Hey Miss. 

Me: Hi! Long time, how are you?

Student: Good. How are you? ...Are you married yet?

Me: What?

He pulls a slightly shifty face.

Student: Err, yeah, you know…you used to be on the phone..?

Holds up his hand like a phone.

Me: =.=

Company Trip

I went on my company trip this weekend. 

Bonding exercises 'n all that.

In the kampong.

It was the kind of place where as you're walking along a pathway your colleague casually says;

Colleague: Do you think that hole is for a crab? Or just a snake?

o.O

On the second day we were taken on a sea fishing exercise. 

Which wasn't really an exercise…it was actually fishing.

In the sea. 

To reach the sea we had to hike our way through mangrove swamp. 

And then cross the vast, vast sand bank until we hit the water. 

The "sand" was actually mud-sand - some patches were normal beach, others were quicksand style mud pockets and you can't tell the difference until you step into them. 

And they're super-sticky - every step takes serious effort and balance. 

Which is funny to watch. 

[hehe]

The sea was chocolately.

Straits of Malacca. 

Can't see a thing. 

Just brown. 

And it was in this opaque soup that disaster struck.

Me: I'VE LOST MY CROC!!!

Sensible mud shoes. I thought. 

Colleague 1: What?

Me: I've lost my croc!! It's not on my foot!  [waves kaki kosong in air to prove statement] It's in the mud!!

Pivoting on the one foot that is still in-shoe-in-mud, I conduct a frantic, blind search in what I hope is the right place. 

Colleague 1: Just leave it. 

Me: Leave it?! They cost 100 bucks! I'm not leaving 50 bucks in the sea?!!

Colleague 1: It will float up by itself later.

Me: No it won't?!

It's really, really stuck, wherever it is.

So stuck that it came off my foot.

Colleague 1: Yes it will. 

Me: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Frantic wail. 

I only have ONE SHOE!!! 

:(((((

My other colleague takes pity and helps me search. 

[the actual scene]

Colleague 2: Oh! Is this it?

Me: :D

Colleague 2: Oh…oh no, that's your foot?

Me: No it's not! You found it! Pull, pull!!

He pulled and there emerged my croc!

I sent the dear things back to the beach so I didn't lose them again. 

However, I now discover that the mud-sand is nasty mud-sand. 

Like, you step in it and want to die, it feels so disgusting. 

I can't exaggerate that enough. 

All slippery and squelching through your toes. 

EWWWWWW.

Add to that many, many small pinchy crabs. 

And a huge, heavy fishing net. 

Now walk through the sea with it. 

Yeah. 

When the time came, I was quite happy to reach the beach. 

But disaster part two: I stepped on a poison fish!!!

Maybe. 

[probably not this guy...too small...]

I have no idea what it was cos I couldn't see it, but it was sharp and I screamed. 

Although with so much mud-related "YUK" screaming earlier, this went largely ignored. 

As everyone browsed our catch, I examined my foot. 

One of our fishing guides noticed.

Proper Fishing Guy: Cut?

Me: Ah, ya :(

Then he walked away. 

I had cut my foot. 

It was bleeding. 

But whatev's the fishing guy didn't care. 

Or so I thought...

He quickly returned with a handful of thick, dark mud, with leaves and twigs sticking out and gestured for my foot. 

O.O

Concerning. 

I lifted it up. 

He slapped the mud on, squeezed my foot with it (as if squeezing out poison..?), then held his hand out, like, don't move, and walked away. 

@.@

OMG. 

He thinks I'm poisoned and is giving me traditional remedies!

I stood awkwardly with my foot in the air for quite a while. 

[you'd panic too, if this guy was concerned enough to mud pack your foot.]

Then I got a bit bored. 

Me: Eh, can I move now or am I dying? Ask him for me?

Apparently not dying, I was permitted to drop my foot & help put fish into buckets. 

I'm still alive now. 

So I guess that's a good sign.

But I'm still wondering…what did I step on..?

Formal Wear

Someone official at work recently discovered that text messages are much harder to ignore than emails. 

And so now important information or appointments are announced via this medium. 

Because no one checks their emails. 

I don't even know how to access my work email.

: /

Anyway, last night I got a text.

Work: Tomorrow we will be having an important visitor. Please wear formal. TQ. 

So today I am wearing a very smart black pencil skirt instead of jeans. 

Well done me. 

---------------------------------

I came back from lunch, sat at my desk. 

Took off my shoes. 

Because who wears shoes in Malaysia? Not me. Ever. 

[shoes. not on my feet.]

Then, as happens after lunch on a Friday, I started to wonder what time I could leave.

So I dropped into the next room to check my hours with the admin people. 

Then. 

As I stepped out of the door…

…The Important Visitors!

...

I'm not wearing shoes!!

O.O

Boss: And this is Claire [glances at my feet]

Important Visitor 1: Hello, John [glances at my feet & extends hand]

Me: Hi! [shakes hand]

Important Visitor 2: Hello, Steve [glances at my feet & extends hand]

Me: Hi! [shakes hand] Sorry about the no shoes. I was just in the staff room [big smile]!

HAHAHHAHA

That's not even a reason!?!

Oh well. 

What to do?

They were Mat Salleh. 

Maybe they didn't mind..?

A Very Sad Day

Today is a very sad day. 

No, not for the reason you're thinking, God rest his soul. 

There's another reason. 

Yesterday I stayed late at work. 

As I left, I signed out as usual, but when I walked past the vending machine, I had a glowing blue vision of despair…

[look closely...through the blinding light]

Do you see that?

Refer back to "Vending Machine" if necessary.

Yes - my delicious, most favourite drink, the Mango Juice, has been replaced with Coca Cola!!!

Why would that happen?

Devastating. 

So today I had no mango juice. 

Clearly the re-filling people haven't done any market research, that was a popular drink. 

Also observe, nowadays the rm5 note is "unacceptable". 

Not only does the machine not have what I want, it also has an attitude problem. 

--------------------------

You may also have noticed, if you have very sharp eyes,  that the Soya Bean has been replaced by Chrysanthemum tea. 

But I'm not so upset about that. I hate them both. 

:P

Free Stationary

Today I got free pens:

[The free pens]

And so it is a good day.

Look, they're still in the plastic...

I am not the only one excited by stationary, am I..?