If You're Gonna be a Noob, Don't Go Shouting About it...

OH HAI THERE!

3 months away from the blog and I still get readers.

^.^

Did I tell you about the time I got ripped off for being a noob..?

[taken with my own fair hand]

My friend and I rented a motorbike in Bali. 

Ultimate freedom and fun. 

And danger...because, of course, we didn't really know how to use it.

Luckily though, the rental guy gave us a quick lesson. 

Then he told us about the petrol. 

Rental Guy: Now, there is1 litre of petrol inside. Add 2 more and the tank will be full. Ok?

Us: Ok!

Me: How much should it cost?

Rental Guy: 1 litre, 5000 rupiah.

Me: Ok.

So after wobbling precariously across a stupidly busy road, we were up and running and headed for the petrol station. 

Trying to cross busy roads, slowing down, speeding up, not fall off….all was a bit of a trial and was accompanied by MANY shrieks and MUCH giggling, which could no doubt be heard for miles around. 

We turned into the petrol station and hopped off.

The moto-pump was run by an attendant who motioned for us to open the seat. 

We both looked at the seat for a while.

Then each other.

O.O

Then burst out laughing - this was not covered in the lesson!

The guy smiles and does it for us. 

We pay the 10 000 rupiah (for 2 litres) and wait while he pumps. 

After what is a ridiculously short amount of time, he's done. 

As he pulls out the pump I see inside the tank…..it doesn't look full….but maybe…it is? Or maybe the rental guy was exaggerating? Or something? Whatever. 

We get back on and as we swerve and scream our way out of the petrol station, video'd by some amused Balinese on their phone cameras, I look at the petrol dial. 

Me: Is that thing in the same place as before..?

Friend: What?

Me: The petrol dial. Was it in that place before?

Friend: ….was it?

Me: Ya, it's supposed to be full now! It's the same as before!

Friend: Whaaat??

Me: OMG he didn't put ANY petrol in!!!!!! 

PETROL BASTARD!!

He literally didn't put anything in the tank. 

Just put the pump in and laughed to himself about his free money. 

-.-

Saw us coming a mile off…… 

We stopped later at a tiny roadside petrol stall and watched as a LOVELY man poured the correct amount of petrol into the bike, from his little glass jars. 

And never went back the petrol station......

Proton Wira VS. Toyota Camry

Well there's no contest, is there?

You all know how this ends. 

And I'm driving the Wira. 

=.=

Short version of the story is that I drove into the back of a Camry. 

I won't go into the details but it wasn't entirely my fault. 

Maybe 40% my fault…

: /

These are the injuries suffered by the Camry:

[minimal]

It's not even dented. 

Just scratched.  

Here's my Proton:

[destroyed]

As though I smashed head first into a TRUCK.

=.=

No injuries.

But clearly I can't pay for that, hello insurance. 

Off to the polis station (a very pleasant experience, in comparison to all my "polis on the streets" dramas).

Thank you, Kajang Polis.

Then farewell to my little car on the back of a tow truck. 

[sobbbb...]

A few days later I went back to pay my summons and pick up my copy of the report to take to the workshop.

Me: Hi, I've come to pay my summons… :(

Polis: Wait for a while ah, it's not in the system yet. 

Wow…I bet that never happens!

I should get a discount for paying so promptly. 

Didn't. 

Picked up my report. 

Went to the workshop. 

Me: Hi, I've come to give you my polis report...

Lady: Oh…I think I already have it. 

That's not possible. 

I just picked it up. 

Lady: Ya, I have it, here. 

She shows it to me. 

Huh?

Lady: Just a while ago, ah, you know Mohd Nor. He pass it to me. 

Me: …huh? Who?

Lady: Your friend?

Me: O.o?

Lady: Mohd Nor…Malay man..?

Me: I don't know who that is.

Friend: Issit the guy who gave you his business card?

Tow truck uncle!

Me: OoooOoooh. Is that normal? Why would he do that? How did he do that..?

And also, why not tell me la, save my RM4 and trip to the workshop.

Still. 

That's nice. 

:)

No Spare Type

I was in an unfamiliar car park. 

It was daytime, don't worry, this isn't a terrible tale. 

But I didn't know where to pay for my ticket.

Me: Where do I pay?

Guard: ...O.o?

I wave my ticket at him. 

He points,

Security Guy: Bayar sana.

Ok. 

I walk towards my car. 

Guard: Kak…

I turn around and he's pointing at my car…

Or more precisely, at my FLAT TYRE!!

Nooooooooooooooooooooo…..

=.=

How now?

I stand there and look at it for a while. 

I wonder who I should call.

Someone who is a combination of "nearby" and "useful".

I ponder. 

[if my car had a face, it would've been this]

Then the maintenance man appears. 

Maintenance Man: You have spare tyre?

Me: No.

Maintenance Guy: O.O?

He's skeptical...

Maintenance Guy: In here?

He points at my boot.

Me: Oh, maybe..!

Duh. 

I open my boot and lo and behold, I have a beautiful spare tyre. 

:D

Maintenance Guy: You have a jack?

Me: No.

He rummages in my boot and pulls out both a jack and some other useful looking tools. 

Me: Oh. That's good. 

The maintenance man and the security guard both look at me. 

Me: ?:)

Then at each other.

I know what just happened: "So bro - who's it gonna be?"

Hahaha. 

The security guy stares, noncommittally, so Heroic Maintenance Man gets to work, removing my useless tyre.  

Which has a big, fat nail in it. 

An associate of theirs cruises past on his bike and happily shouts,

Biker: Punctuuure?

Maintenance man nods. 

Huh. 

Me: Is that normal here, biasa?

Maintenance Man confirms, yup, biasa. 

Bad car park!!

Minutes later I have a gloriously attached and functioning tyre.

Me: Terima kasih banyak!! :))

I try to shake his hand but it's dirty so he politely denies me and walks away.

No tricks. 

No alterior motive.

Good people still exist!

Hooray.

Chicken, Eggs & The Polis

I was having a work-at-home-day. 

About 4pm I was hungry & going crazy from the lock-in. 

Decided to go buy eggs. 

You can make anything with eggs.

[amazing eggs]

As I was driving I suddenly had the brilliant idea to buy taiwan fried chicken. 

Which meant a change of direction and going -slightly- out of my taman. 

Polis Road Block. 

[curse you, delicious chicken]

They stop me. 

*winds down window*

Polis: License

I had over my visa-card. 

Polis: Where are you from?

Me: England

Polis: How long have you been here?

Me: 3 years

Polis: Student?

Me: No, working. 

Polis: Where?

Me: In a college...

Polis: Married?

=.=

Me: No.

He smiles. 

And sends me over to the side for more questions. 

Here we go. 

...

Another polis officer comes over. 

He asks me all the same questions then asks for my license. 

I give it to him. 

Polis 2: Why you don't have local license?

Omg, are you serious.

JPJ is such a mess. 

Polis 2: This you can only use for three months in Malaysia. 

Me: Ya I know. I went to UK in January. So it's only been 2 months. 

Polis 3: So how?

Me: What?

Polis 3: Ya, it's your fault.

Me: What's my fault? I didn't do anything wrong. 

??

After a while he gives up on the bribe-attempt and gets someone else to have a go. 

Another officer comes over and has a very similar conversation, this time including, where is your passport and where are you going - passport at home, going to buy eggs.

Then he also gives up. 

And my original polis officer comes over. 

Me: Tolong, I nak beli telur, sahaja…

Polis: You can speak Malay?

He doesn't really care about my eggs. 

He wants to ask me the same questions as everyone else. 

But then he has an idea.

Polis: Where is your boyfriend? He's Malay or English? 

Me: I don't have...

He smiles.

Polis: Ok, this time I just give you warning, ah? Because we are friends. I want to learn English, nak belajar, ah. My English not very good.

Yay, time to go!

Me: No, it's ok already :)

Polis: I want to learn - you can teach me?

Come on, give me back my license.

Me: Haha, ya, boleh...

Polis: So where is your number?

=.=

Me: I can't give you my number…

He looks pissed and walks off. 

WHAT. 

No fair!!

Back comes serious-looking Mr. Polis 2. 

Polis 2: I need to see your passport. 

Me: o.o? Really?

Polis 2: Yes. You can U-turn here, then come back. 

O.o

Me: Really? You need to see my passport?

Polis 2: Yes. How do I know, you've been here 2 years or two months?

Me: I have to come all the way back up, through this traffic?

The massive traffic jam that their unnecessary road block has created. 

Polis 2: Yes. 

Me: Ok. Can. But it will take me half an hour or an hour to get back here. With all that traffic.

Polis 2: Ok.

So annoyed. 

Me: Can I go and get my eggs first?

Polis 2: Ok. 

Me: Ok. 

Polis: Coming back, ah.

Me: Ya, ok…

I leave. 

I'm not coming back. 

I call my lawyer friend to make sure this is a good decision. 

Friend: Did they write anything down?

Me: No.

Friend: Did they take any pictures?

Me: No. 

Friend: Then don't go back la! Nothing to worry about. If you go, definitely they will try to get something from you. 

HAH. 

Do your jobs laaaa, polis, stop simply harassing!!!!!!!

Pervs.

The she added,

Friend: Hey, so how can we make you look less white..?

Me: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Ya man, I had sunglasses, shorts…habis, la.  

Grrr….

ATVs in the Jungle

Friend: Here, quick, just get on this one and do the test rounds. 

This is how I found myself climbing onto an ATV for the first time ever, about to start shooting a video. 

: /

Of course, I missed the "how-to" briefing because I was shooting something else.

Which to be fair, hadn't seemed important, as I wasn't planning on getting on the vehicle at any point.

Instructor: *mumble, vague hand gesture*

It was some kind of instruction for turning it on. 

Me: O.o?

Instructor: *louder mumble, repeated vague gesture*

I attempt to copy.

Me: O.O?

And fail horribly.

Instructor: =.= 

He puts my hand in the actual correct place. 

And repeat. 

At least 3 times for all the levers and buttons I was supposed to press.

Finally, the beast was alive. 

I was sent on my way with a wave of the hand - GO! Practice!

As I rounded the first corner and started bouncing rapidly down a hill, I was suddenly gripped by a deep and terrible panic.

I don't know how to stop. 

O.O

Literally.

There are a lot of levers and buttons. 

And I don't know what they're for.

And my speed is increasing. 

And there are a lot of people watching.

OMG WHERE'S THE $@**^£@ BRAKE!?!?!?!

@.@

…this is what the briefing is for…

I praise God for simple reflexes and that a childhood spent on bicycles meant the first thing I grabbed for was, in fact, the brake. 

----------

With the accelerator and the brake under control, it was time to shoot.

My friend put on the helmet cam and handed me the loose camera.

Friend: You need to get to the front so we can shoot them all coming up.

Me: >.O

This is a new face.

It means, brain agrees, and is trying to think about shots…but brain is a little distracted with new skill and trying to avoid death.

Anyway, it's too late - they've started driving.

And the very first part of the course is a ridiculous hill - ridiculous in its incline and the uneven-ness of its surface.

After almost flipping the beastly ATV backwards up the hill, losing a leg and knocking my head on a low-hanging bamboo, I reached the top.

Now his eyes were open.

Friend: Gimme that.

He took the loose camera and thrust the helmet-cam in my direction.

Much better idea.

[scarier than it looks. honestly.]

How Not to Hitch a Ride

I went to Penang with my friend and had to use the bus. 

Which to resident KL-folk sounds beyond awful.

But it was actually a very pleasant experience. 

We merrily hopped on and went halfway across the island, landing at the Spice Garden, for a mere RM3.70.

After a delightfully educational tour and some delicious, mountain-top, sea-view food, we wanted to head back. 

[101, that'll take you there. For real.]

The downside of buses, of course, is that you have to wait for them. 

They're supposed to be every 15 minutes. 

But if you've just missed one, that's quite a long time to sit by the road.

We waited a while. 

Considered walking. 

But it was getting dark and it was a winding, coastal road.

Bad idea. 

So we waited some more. 

We leaned against the road safety barrier. 

Watched monkeys. 

Took photos with excited kids. 

And then spotted an opportunity. 

Boys!

2 young, mat salleh, traveling boys. 

With a car. 

If anyone's gonna give you a ride, I'd be them. 

Right?

Friend: [silently] Are you going that way?

She pointed down the road. 

O.O

Unprepared for this decisive action...but cool!

I glanced over to check the response. 

Slightly blank faces...

She boldly continued. 

Pointed at us - then at their car - then down the road. 

With girly, questioning eyes.

;D

And they declined us!

Awkwardly trying not to look, they shook their heads. 

=.=

I watched as they drove past, bashful, still shyly shaking their innocent-looking heads and holding up their hands. 

Which struck me as odd.

...

And my friend had the same, wordless feeling. 

We looked at each other. 

Puzzled. 

Friend: …Did they think...

Me: ...we're prostitutes?

Friend: Yup. 

Me: Right.

=.=

Then the bus came.

Girls and Cars

If you're stuck in traffic for a long time, it's really best not to be the car directly in front or behind me. 

A few days ago, after 2 hours crawling along a road that should take 20 minutes to fly down, I gently rolled into the back of the car in front. 

We were on a hill.

I could've sworn my brake didn't work…but then it kinda was working…so…I figured it was probably just me. 

With a dead leg and a FUZZY traffic brain.  

A 100%  KL gangster got out of the car.

He looked understandably annoyed.

: /

Although miraculously I only caused a small paint scratch and he decided not to kill me. 

[a sunset while I waited...]

I later realised that I actually did have a worrying problem with my brakes. 

And a big, fat, bent out of shape bonnet. 

=.=

To the workshop!

Me: OMG, there's something wrong with my brakes. I'm so worried. I don't know what it is but when you press it there's like…no power… :S

Mechanic: Hmm.

He pops open the bonnet. 

Mechanic: Hows your brake fluid?

Me: Um… O.O?

He unscrews the lid of the brake fluid-container and looks inside. 

Mechanic: Empty. 

Me: Oh.

Mechanic: I'll fill up for you.

Me: Right…good...

Why There's No Sunroof

I went on a mini-road trip to do some video shooting. 

The boys were showing off their car. 

"Look at these tyres, ooh, stylish interior, wow, infinity edge windows, this is totally designed for dudes", etc, etc.

Four of us scrambled inside.

I was in the back.

And I noticed that the car had a sunroof.

Which, I commented, is a rare thing to see in Malaysia. 

Driver: Yeah! Guys, check this out…

He pushed the "open sunroof" button.

The fact that it had rained the night before wasn't  even a thought in his mind. 

As the sunroof slowly slid back - imagine those annoying, shuffly arcade games - the rubber sealing pushed a small cascade of water into the front seats, right on top of their heads. 

Driver & Front Passenger: Oooohhhh!

Driver: That wasn't in the ad!

[No, it wasn't a Mercedes. But the sunroof was like this...]

Oh well, it's open already, lets cruise. 

So they wiped their heads and shirts…and the dashboard, and we moved a few meters down the road. 

Front Passenger: Oh wait! I need something from my car.

The driver squeezed the brake…

…the momentum of which channeled all the water from the top of the car down into the sunroof hole, creating an even more dramatic waterfall into the car.

Driver & Front Passenger: OOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!

All: O.O

Driver: This is so not part of the cool….

Hmm.

Maybe that's why there's not too many sunroof'd cars around here..?

How to Avoid a Smash n Grab

We all have that mentality that bad things won't happen to us. 

Even though fb is full of crime stories & it's all that anyone seems to talk about. 

Well today was my wake up call. 

I was driving to work, it was 8:45am.

As usual I was stuck in traffic, waiting at a red light (in Sungai Long, just before the highway).

My laptop and handbag on the passenger seat. 

And suddenly through my daydreams came a sound that wasn't right, that wasn't normal. 

I turned to see my passenger window shattered into tiny pieces - but glued in place by the tinting film - and the steely, emotionless face of the guy who was still sitting there, on the back of a bike, looking at me, at my belongings and hammering steadily at the window. 

:(

Crimes like this happen so fast and yet so slowly. 

I sat there for the longest time and all I could think was - "someone's breaking into my car".

I can't do anything. 

My car is stuck in traffic. 

I don't have any weapons…realistically, what can I do?

I have no control. 

Then suddenly the slo-mo stopped and I grabbed by stuff and started honking my horn and screaming. 

You know that movie screams aren't real, right?

If you've ever been genuinely afraid, you'll know what I mean. 

It's not a scream. It's more like a roar, a deep throaty, angry roar. 

I hope you never have to hear that sound. 

And then they were gone - there was a driver and a smasher. 

They biked away and that was that. 

My window was left hanging, half attached, tiny pieces of window scattered on the floor. 

I called up my friend.

Friend: *sleepy mumbles*

Me: Oh…oh ya, I forgot you'd be sleeping. Sorry. But. Someonejusttriedtosmashmywindow, somonejustsmashedmywindow, Idon'tkwowwhattodo!

Friend: Ok, relax, are you ok?

And really, I was. 

It was &$£!?@% scary. 

But I thank God that;

a) I had my windows tinted with safety film.

b) It was daylight and they only wanted my laptop.

c) They didn't have weapons. 

I kept driving to work cos I didn't want to stop by the roadside after that...

My window was flapping in the breeze at bit, so I tore it down.

:((

And everyone who passed looked at me like…crime victim. 

Urgh. 

So now I have to fix my window. 

And follow my own, new safety rules;

a) Hide your bags. 

It's so obvious and I DO do that sometimes. But nothing happens so I get lazy. Now I will not be lazy. 

b) Memorise phone numbers!

What if they had taken my bag? I can't call anyone 'cos I don't remember anyone's number!

c) Find a Weapon…

That sounds a bit radical, hahaha, but I mean, if I at least had an umbrella by my seat…

d) Get darker tinting. 

I chose a very light tint. Maybe it looks like it wasn't tinted so that's why they tried. I'll get a darker one next time. And spend on a good one! Honestly, if it wasn't tinted, 100% they would have taken my bag and gone before I even realised what happened.

STAY SAFE, BLOG READERS!!!

xx

How to Avoid a Summons

I got busted again. 

Polis: You are not allowed to drive in the emergency lane. I will write you summons, ok?

Aww man. What to do? 

Me: Ok. 

I was just skipping some KL traffic because I'm not going to KL!!! 

Although this is perhaps not a legitimate excuse for breaking traffic rules...

Polis: Ok, ah?

Me: [shrugs] I guess so. 

I know what's coming. I'm not gonna do it. 

Polis: Tell me, how can I help you?

Me: =.=

Polis: Ah?

Me: I don't know. I broke the rule, I have to pay. It's ok. 

Polis: 300 ringgit, you know? You will have one week to pay. Ok?

Me: :)

C'est la vie. 

He starts to copy down the info on my driving licence. 

Then stops.

Polis: Ahh…I don't want to summon you. 

Me: :))

Polis: How, ah? I don't want to give you summons.

Ok! Don't give!

:))

I know you want some dollar in your pocket but that's not how I roll, maaan.

Although I don't wanna pay rm300 either. 

Sigh...

[not my car. or my polis friend...]

A pause. 

Then suddenly;

Polis: Sudah kawin?

Me: O.O?

Polis: You speak BM?

Me: Sikit lah.

Polis: You, married?

I understood the first time! Hence the face! 

How to reply? 

What are the pros and cons of truth and lies in this situation??

I have been in a similar situation before!

Me: No... 

Polis: Ahh, belum kawin, I don't want to give you summon…

Me: :))

Polis: Ok ah. Don't use emergency lane again, ok?

Me: Okthankyou! :D

Drives away!!!

But…keliru sikit - is not being married really so pitiful that I deserve not to get a summons?

:S