Feminine Hands

#tbt

On a Tuesday. 

Why not.

;) 

A male student walks into the staff room and sits down next to me. 

After the usual conversation openers,

Student: Look. 

He does a slow, glamorous "jazz hands" in my face. 

The little finger on each hand has a coat of glittery nail polish. 

-.-'

Me: What? Why?

Student: I have very feminine hands. I was testing it out. 

[he was A LOT happier than this...]

Me: …right. Then you decided to do a second nail as well…?

Student: Yeah. To balance it. 

He rolls his fingers dramatically. 

Well with that logic....

Me: Why didn't you just do the whole hand?

Student: Too dangerous. Gays. 

Me: :O

He chuckles, philosophically. 

Student: I don't know why they always come to me. I need to build up my body. I have quite a chick-ly look….

Me: :O

Speechless. 

I just stared...

Proton Wira VS. Toyota Camry

Well there's no contest, is there?

You all know how this ends. 

And I'm driving the Wira. 

=.=

Short version of the story is that I drove into the back of a Camry. 

I won't go into the details but it wasn't entirely my fault. 

Maybe 40% my fault…

: /

These are the injuries suffered by the Camry:

[minimal]

It's not even dented. 

Just scratched.  

Here's my Proton:

[destroyed]

As though I smashed head first into a TRUCK.

=.=

No injuries.

But clearly I can't pay for that, hello insurance. 

Off to the polis station (a very pleasant experience, in comparison to all my "polis on the streets" dramas).

Thank you, Kajang Polis.

Then farewell to my little car on the back of a tow truck. 

[sobbbb...]

A few days later I went back to pay my summons and pick up my copy of the report to take to the workshop.

Me: Hi, I've come to pay my summons… :(

Polis: Wait for a while ah, it's not in the system yet. 

Wow…I bet that never happens!

I should get a discount for paying so promptly. 

Didn't. 

Picked up my report. 

Went to the workshop. 

Me: Hi, I've come to give you my polis report...

Lady: Oh…I think I already have it. 

That's not possible. 

I just picked it up. 

Lady: Ya, I have it, here. 

She shows it to me. 

Huh?

Lady: Just a while ago, ah, you know Mohd Nor. He pass it to me. 

Me: …huh? Who?

Lady: Your friend?

Me: O.o?

Lady: Mohd Nor…Malay man..?

Me: I don't know who that is.

Friend: Issit the guy who gave you his business card?

Tow truck uncle!

Me: OoooOoooh. Is that normal? Why would he do that? How did he do that..?

And also, why not tell me la, save my RM4 and trip to the workshop.

Still. 

That's nice. 

:)

Chicken, Eggs & The Polis

I was having a work-at-home-day. 

About 4pm I was hungry & going crazy from the lock-in. 

Decided to go buy eggs. 

You can make anything with eggs.

[amazing eggs]

As I was driving I suddenly had the brilliant idea to buy taiwan fried chicken. 

Which meant a change of direction and going -slightly- out of my taman. 

Polis Road Block. 

[curse you, delicious chicken]

They stop me. 

*winds down window*

Polis: License

I had over my visa-card. 

Polis: Where are you from?

Me: England

Polis: How long have you been here?

Me: 3 years

Polis: Student?

Me: No, working. 

Polis: Where?

Me: In a college...

Polis: Married?

=.=

Me: No.

He smiles. 

And sends me over to the side for more questions. 

Here we go. 

...

Another polis officer comes over. 

He asks me all the same questions then asks for my license. 

I give it to him. 

Polis 2: Why you don't have local license?

Omg, are you serious.

JPJ is such a mess. 

Polis 2: This you can only use for three months in Malaysia. 

Me: Ya I know. I went to UK in January. So it's only been 2 months. 

Polis 3: So how?

Me: What?

Polis 3: Ya, it's your fault.

Me: What's my fault? I didn't do anything wrong. 

??

After a while he gives up on the bribe-attempt and gets someone else to have a go. 

Another officer comes over and has a very similar conversation, this time including, where is your passport and where are you going - passport at home, going to buy eggs.

Then he also gives up. 

And my original polis officer comes over. 

Me: Tolong, I nak beli telur, sahaja…

Polis: You can speak Malay?

He doesn't really care about my eggs. 

He wants to ask me the same questions as everyone else. 

But then he has an idea.

Polis: Where is your boyfriend? He's Malay or English? 

Me: I don't have...

He smiles.

Polis: Ok, this time I just give you warning, ah? Because we are friends. I want to learn English, nak belajar, ah. My English not very good.

Yay, time to go!

Me: No, it's ok already :)

Polis: I want to learn - you can teach me?

Come on, give me back my license.

Me: Haha, ya, boleh...

Polis: So where is your number?

=.=

Me: I can't give you my number…

He looks pissed and walks off. 

WHAT. 

No fair!!

Back comes serious-looking Mr. Polis 2. 

Polis 2: I need to see your passport. 

Me: o.o? Really?

Polis 2: Yes. You can U-turn here, then come back. 

O.o

Me: Really? You need to see my passport?

Polis 2: Yes. How do I know, you've been here 2 years or two months?

Me: I have to come all the way back up, through this traffic?

The massive traffic jam that their unnecessary road block has created. 

Polis 2: Yes. 

Me: Ok. Can. But it will take me half an hour or an hour to get back here. With all that traffic.

Polis 2: Ok.

So annoyed. 

Me: Can I go and get my eggs first?

Polis 2: Ok. 

Me: Ok. 

Polis: Coming back, ah.

Me: Ya, ok…

I leave. 

I'm not coming back. 

I call my lawyer friend to make sure this is a good decision. 

Friend: Did they write anything down?

Me: No.

Friend: Did they take any pictures?

Me: No. 

Friend: Then don't go back la! Nothing to worry about. If you go, definitely they will try to get something from you. 

HAH. 

Do your jobs laaaa, polis, stop simply harassing!!!!!!!

Pervs.

The she added,

Friend: Hey, so how can we make you look less white..?

Me: Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Ya man, I had sunglasses, shorts…habis, la.  

Grrr….

The Next Day

I've been staying at my friend's house for the past 2 weeks. 

The house guardian, whilst they're away. 

It's a beautiful house and my instructions were simple - please water the plants. 

The alarm system was also relatively straight-forward.

Activate at night and when you go out. 

Now, when explaining how it works, of course you need to explain what would happen if someone breaks in. 

An unlikely eventuality. 

But during that conversation - we've been broken into before, these windows on the roof are always open, so if they have a rope… - it feels like IT WILL HAPPEN. 

I spent the first night alone, terrified. 

O.O

Then I got over it. 

And everything was fine. 

Until the morning after Kena Tipu. 

I woke up and got ready for work.

Still quite distracted, thinking about what had happened the night before, I strolled boldly through the house, towards the kitchen, aiming for the milo.

One step too far…

WAA-WAA-WAA-WAA-WAA!!!!!!!!!!

#$!&^@£%!

I literally LEAPT into the air - so LOUD?!

And TERRIFYINGcan'tbreathe!

WAA-WAA-WAA-WAA-WAA-WAA!!!!!!!!!

@.@

Phone also RINGING!

OMG, so many things?!

panicpanicpanicpanic 

WAA-WAA-WAA-WAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ran down to the control panel and keyed in the code. 

Off. 

Phew. 

Answered the phone - letting me know the alarm was set off. 

Sigh. 

I was trembling!

For a good 10 minutes - a lot of deep breaths and pacing, finally it stopped. 

Man. 

I'd be a terrible robber. 

Scared myself half to DEATH.

Clubbing with Spongebob

In my younger days I spent many a night dancing my socks off at parties.

I dreamt I would do it all my life.

Turns out I was wrong.

It has become quite a rare occasion that I get up off my comfy sofa to go to a club. 

But this weekend saw one such occasion - it was my friend's birthday. 

Friend: I've never had a club party! This is so awesome!

So off I went. 

In no particular order, these are the top five things that make me laugh in nightclubs:

1. People Falling Over

This happened at least three times. I laughed heartily on each occasion. 

2. The Awkward Breakdown 

When you listen to dance music there is always a spacey breakdown somewhere. If you're off your face on pills, these are probably the magical moments. For the rest of us…well, it's just a bit awkward. 

3. Unisex Toilets 

An unfortunate and rather French concept. How is a girl supposed to touch up her sweaty make up when the cute guy she's trying to impress is watching? On the plus side, boys have to queue for the toilet! Those are some entertaining faces. 

4. Seated Dancing

When people sit down and dance. What. What happened to your legs?

5. Drunk People

They can easily tip into very annoying and/or dangerous. 

But there's an entertaining level just before that. Witness:

I was standing, talking to my friends. 

A small Chinese boy came up to me. 

He draped his arm around my shoulders and leaned into my ear - in the way that's only vaguely acceptable in a club because the music is so loud.

Thing is, even if people are very weird, I'm just SO endlessly curious about what they might say.

So I waited for him to speak. 

But he didn't. 

I looked at him. 

He was paused, frozen in time, mouth open, about to speak. 

But he didn't speak. 

I waited. 

Looked at him again. 

I poked my friends & made, "what is he doing???" faces at them.

He's still not moving or speaking. 

It's like - he had an amazing game plan - but he chickened out of it.

Halfway through. 

:S

My friend kindly pulled him off me and did the fake boyfriend thing. 

Friend: Hey man, she's off limits. My mom likes her. 

Somehow the small boy had regained the power of speech and they had a brief and incomprehensible chat. 

Then he turned back to me.

Boy: Dia cakap, tak boleh.

Why are you speaking Malay?

Me: Yeah. It's true.

Boy: Tak boleh…

He took another long pause.

Reflective, this time, contemplating sadly.

Then he seemed to recover.

And in a very matter of fact tone, 

Boy: Spongebob. 

He walked off, shrugging his shoulders. 

Now that doesn't make sense in any language. 

Drunk Mimes

Still slacking from my London holiday.

Here's a story for ya:

I was happily sitting on the tube when a couple of drunk mimes got on. 

I didn't realise they were drunk, to begin with.

Although their heavily smudged face-paint and cans of beer were probably an early indication. 

[this plus alcohol.]

One of them broadcast his slurred plea to the carriage;

Drunk Mime 1: How to do we get to Euston?

This is the tube - no one talks.

Especially to strangers. 

So he was ignored. 

But I felt a bit bad seeing as they were not on the right train…

Me: You need to go the other way.

Drunk Mime 2: Oh. [to his friend] We're goin' the wrong way. 

Unfortunately, Drunk Mime 1 was already bored and playing with his phone. 

So they did nothing. 

We reached the next station. 

American Lady: [to me] They need to get off here. [to them] You need to get off here.

They looked around blankly. 

Drunk Mime 2: o.0

Me: This station - go over there [points to train in other direction] then change at Kings Cross.

They dither. 

Drunk Mime 2 gives a few shoves to his friend.

Who continues to ignore him. 

American Lady: It's now or never..!

In a sudden blur of motion, they rush towards the closing door. 

Then a loud, collective **GASP** from the whole tube carriage tells me something is wrong…

Because remember: tube-people don't speak. 

I looked over.

O.O

Mime stuck in the door!!

OMG.

Only one of them managed to get off and trying to bring his friend with him, got his ARM trapped in the door. 

Everyone stares, frozen, open mouthed. 

:O

Then the door opened! - mime pulls out hand - then it closes. 

Tube separation of drunk mimes?? 

: /

Door opens again - other mime jumps out! - then it closes. 

The muffled shouting of the jubilant and injured mimes travels through the walls of the train. 

And everyone falls about laughing. 

American Lady: I tried to help them earlier but they just made fun of me for being American… :S

London. 

:)

Make Up and Homelessness

I went to a Deepavali open house last week. 

Usually I'm quite lazy when it comes to make-up. 

But I was going with my friend who is QUEEN of make up. 

So figured I'd make an effort. 

I put on extra thick eyeliner. 

But it's just a simple open house, so no need for all the other drama-drama make-up. 

Right?

Arrived at my friends house & lay in bed while she got ready (it was far too early to be awake on a public holiday…). 

Friend: So…are you gonna wear make-up?

Me: I am wearing make up.

She turned and squinted at me. 

=.=

Friend: Come on la, eyeliner is not make up!!

Well…I…oh. Ok. 

///

A week before that I was at a wedding. 

2 days before the event I suddenly realised I was alone.

: /

Me: Hey - do you have a date?? Can I be your date??

Friend: I do have a date - but it's ok, I'll make him the third wheel for you!

Oh. 

Ok, I accept.

:)

And ooh, who is your date, we have not talked for too long?!

I asked her this question two days later when aforementioned guy disappeared to get drinks for us. 

Friend: [dreamily] Aw…

Me: So. How did you meet??

Friend: Volunteering at the soup kitchen. 

Me: :O

*collapses face down on the table. 

Friend: …I know, right?

Good looking AND cares about homeless people? Sigh…

///

So. 

New plan of action. 

Make up. 

And the soup kitchen. 

...Even as I write that, I realise this plan could go horribly wrong.

But I'm going to ignore that possibility for now.

;)

A Grand Saga

My friend has deserted me for Canada this month. 

I drove her to the airport. 

But of course, an airport drive is rarely without event. 

Especially when you check-in online.

(Never a good idea in my opinion.)

I arrived at her place at 5pm, with another friend. 

She'd just got in the shower. 

=.=

5:30pm - another friend arrived. 

5:45pm - bags in the car.

And finally, close to 6pm, we were on our way. 

Bearing in mind, baggage check-in closes at 7:25pm and boarding starts at 7:50pm.

And we live 1 hour from the airport. 

: /

Now my friend now announces that she has to go and pick up important documents for her thesis, from the nephew of her lecturer. 

0.o

But it's ok, it's just near her house.

Friend: Hi, are you there already? You don't know? What can you see? 

It quickly transpired that this boy didn't know our town at all and was on the other side of it.

=.=

Friend: Ok, you drive towards us, we'll drive towards you and meet in the middle, ok?

10 minutes later. 

Friend: Ok, where are you now? A big Maybank?

Other friend: *shrugs*

Friend: Some more? ...Beach cafe?

Other friend: What? Beach cafe?! That's where he was meant to be the first time - that's back near your house!

Friend: Whaaaat?

Me: @.@

A tense moment.

I u-turned and we headed back across town. 

10 more minutes.

Friend: What car are you driving? Saga? Ok bye.

Other friend: Number?

Me: Colour?

Friend: Oh…this boy… :s

Too distracted. 

We DASH through the traffic to finally meet him at a petrol station.

Other Friend 2: There! Saga!

New, shiny, red Saga.

Other friend: I wonder what he looks like…

Friend: Ok, drive really close so Other Friend 2 can just take the papers and throw this through the window.

(She'd brought him a token chocolate bar).

I cruised up, stopping right next to the car. 

[saga]

The next part was in SLO-MO…

Other friend 2 drops her finger to the "open window" button. 

We turn to peer into the car.

He's facing the other way.

But something's wrong…

…he looks older and fatter than he sounded…

…and…

...there's someone else in the car with him…

…wearing tudung?

The man turns…

All: IT'S AN UNCLE!!!

We all scream!

Other Friend 2 PULLS her hand dramatically away from the window.

Other Friend 2: OH MY GOODNESSSS! Look what you almost made me dooo!!

Friend: Oh nooooo, where is he?!

Other Friend: There! Old saga!

Sure enough, other side of the car is an old, silver saga. 

[old saga]

Out jumps a small boy.  

Phew. 

Documents & chocolate exchanged. 

Rally driving to the airport. 

Miraculously, we made it. 

Cun. 

Polite English-Ness

Driving home and stuck in a small traffic jam.

Suddenly I felt the unfortunately familiar; 

THUD & JOLT

of a collision. 

=.=

Although this time it wasn't my fault. 

Someone hit the back of my car.

My instant reaction was weariness at the though of having to deal with fixing it. 

And then I wasn't really sure what to do. 

I was on the highway, I didn't wanna get car-jacked…

[word]

…but then…

I probably should go assess the damage.

The guy also got out of his car to see. 

Guy: Sorry, ah.

I reached the back and took a look. 

Guy: Ok, ah?

Yes!

It was ok. 

Not even a scratch. 

Me: Ya it's fine. Ok. Nothing there.

Guy: Ok, so sorry ah, sorry. 

Me: Ok. 

I turn to get back into my car. 

Guy: Ah…where you from?

WHAT?

This is not the time??

You just hit my car! And now the traffic ahead is moving! We are not making friends here?!

But, in moments of disbelief, Mat Salleh Keliru cannot override English politeness.

And before I could stop myself, with a 100% blur face as I ran back to my door,

Me: England.

=.=

No Milk Tea No Faze Mega-Fans

I still enjoy a good bubble tea. 

Or, as the hipsters now refer: pearl milk tea. 

On a recent visit to a well known PMT stand…

Me: Um…Strawberry Pudding Milk Tea.

Guy: Uh, no milk tea. 

Me: O.o?

Friend: O.o?

Guy: No pearl oso.

Me: Wha-? Everything here is milk tea..? Or pearls. Then what can we have?

Guy: Grass jelly roasted milk tea. 

He points to the picture behind him. 

Wait - what? 

You don't have milk tea but…I can have milk tea..?

I don't get it.

Guy: Roasted milk tea, can have.

Friend: Isn't that the same thing?

Guy: No, different. You can have roasted and add topping. But not pearls.

Me: Oh? Okayyy…so I can have the pudding?

Guy: Ya!

Me: Then I'll just have that. 

Guy: O.o?

Me: Roasted strawberry milk tea..?

Guy: No cannot.

Us: Whyy??

Guy: No matching!

Me: Whatttt? :(

Guy: Can have roasted with pudding but cannot have strawberry pudding, it's not matching.

Me: :(((

This was supremely confusing and SILLY. 

The queue had begun to grow behind us. 

What are they all gonna order - milk tea tak ada?!

How laaa….decision pressure!!

Me: Fine. Grass Jelly Roasted Milk Tea =.=

[generic example...]

And yet, for all our struggles, as soon as my friend and I moved out of the way, every other customer breezed through.

Like they knew everything on the menu.

As if no milk tea at the milk tea stand is not a problem. 

That's some Milk Tea mega-fans. 

The less I say about that, the better.