The Gili Islands: Drugs and Bicycles

It's after dinner and we're making our way back to our room. 

We hired cute bicycles which is way more fun than walking. 

We dismount [good word]  to browse in a few shops along the way.

After one shop, as we're climbing back on, there's a happy looking guy sitting on the wall outside.

In heavily accented English, 

Drugs Guy: Wacky Backy?

Friend: ...What's he saying?

She thinks it's Bahasa. 

Drugs Guy: Weed?

It's English. 

Friend: OH. 

Me: Hahahahaa

Drugs Guy: Shrooms?

Me: Not today…

[ticket to the moon?]

Drugs Guy: Maybe today you try, no need to pay. 

Me: No. It's ok. 

Drugs Guy: Where you from? England or English?

Us: THEY'RE THE SAME!?!

Hahahahhaha

Friend: Too many shrooms…

We start to cycle away.

Drugs Guy: You from Burnley?

Us: :O

Hahahaha!

I don't know if this was just a coincidence that some guy wasn't looking where he was going or if the MIND BLOWING randomness of an Indonesian drug dealer knowing that the totally insignificant town of Burnley exists was too much hilarity, but at that exact moment, my friend had a head on collision with another cyclist. 

I simply watched and cried with laughter. 

Although it was almost an genuine problem, as her bike chain came off. 

: /

Broken bike.

We were rescued by super-lovely massage ladies who rushed to help and, with the assistance of a passing local boy, got the chain back on. 

Such fun. 

Who needs drugs?

Follow Who?

Subtitle: Possibly the most confusing blog-post ever. 

Friend: Wait, so…what's happening?

We're in a car park. 

It's Saturday night and there are some complicated dinner plans. 

6 adults, 2 kids, 4 cars. 

It would make sense to car-pool. 

But one friend, and I shall begin numbering people at this point, wants to go straight home afterwards.

But he doesn't know the way to the restaurant.

Friend 2: How?

Friend 3: You guys just follow our car.

This was greeted with a confused silence. 

Because Friend 3 already has a full car. 

So how to follow?

...

Suggestion silently ignored. 

Friend: [to me] So…should we follow your car?

Umm…no?

Friend 4 is taking you home.

Go with Friend 4.

Friend 4: [to me] So you'll follow us?

Also no. 

Then we all have to come back here later to get my car.

Friend 4: Err…but I don't know the way to the restaurant either…

Me: What?

Why is this confusing?!

[the uphill struggle...]

As we all stood there like idiots, Friend 3 took decisive action and drove away.

Me: Ok it's like this. We all drive separately and seeing as I'm the only person left who knows the way…you all follow my car. 

Nobody moved. 

Friend:    o.O?

Friend 2: o.O?

Friend 4: o.O?

Silence.

Then it suddenly clicked. 

Me: English-follow!! You English-follow my car with your car!! Not Malaysian-follow, get in my car.

All: Ooooohhhhhhh!!!! Ok. 

=.=

Seriously?

English Accents

Adjusting to foreign English accents is always a fun experience.

Indian English is relatively easy to figure out.

But sometimes one tiny word throws you...and you lose the entire conversation.

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I was in the hotel restaurant with my sister.

It's well-recommended not to drink tap water in India, so it was a daily ritual to go down and get bottled water before we went out for the day or sat down to eat.

And there was always loads of bottles in the fridge.

It's not something you run out of.

Sister: Excuse me, can we get some water?

Waiter: Sorry?

This accent thing works both ways.

Even more fun.

Sister: Some water?

Waiter: ...

Sister: ...

Waiter: ...Samosa?

Sister: Yes, some water. 

Waiter: Errrr...samosa, we don't have any samosa I'm afraid. 

Sister: o.0 You don't have any water?

Waiter: What?

[water. samosa. sounds similar. but is not similar.]

Being the objective observer to this conversation,

I.

Laughed.

A.

Lot.

Me: No samosa. Mineral water.

Waiter: Oh. No problem. 

Hahhahahahahahaha...........

Success!

I've complained before about how quickly bananas go bad over here. 

Case in point, the other day I went to throw away my old, brown bananas. 

They were liquid inside - gag - that's not even possible in England. 

So it's quite annoying how when you buy them in the supermarket, they only come in HUGE bunches. 

Enough for the the whole family. 

For a month.

Perhaps I exaggerate…

But seriously, you eat a few and the rest liquidise in your kitchen. 

To solve this, I've gone vigilante a few times and torn the bunches apart myself. 

And then been told off. 

=.=

So this time, I went to ask the fruit man;

Me: Boleh potong?

Fruit man: Boleh.

---------------------------------

Victory pause - dia faham!!!

Join me in my celebration dance! 

[i googled for "malaysian bananas". what to do? it's a funny blog also: http://www.kenwooi.com/2009/11/malaysia-potong-country.html]

---------------------------------

In less successful news it was no-plastic-bags Saturday. 

Most of my shopping fitted nicely into my unnecessarily MASSIVE handbag. 

But not the (greasy) roasted chicken. 

Which I ended up carrying around like a small child, until I reached my car. 

You win some, you lose some…

Why you tak faham??

At the mamak tonight, 10pm, the guy serving excitedly insisted that I have the "special fried rice". 

So special it's not even on the menu. 

Ok lah, there's no roti & I'm too lazy to think of something else. 

It was delicious. 

But it was massive. 

[it looked nothing like this. but it was probably this massive]

Me: Bungkus?

Mamak: ...One more?

Me: Tak!! Bungkus. 

Mamak: Oh, bungkus? Ok. 

...

Did you really not understand me?

That was one word. 

One very simple and, I'm sure, correctly pronounced word.

Is it just the shock of a Mat Salleh speaking BM? 

Because my accent isn't that strong.

-----------------------------

Although this does happen fairly often.

On the occasions I actually bust out my BM skills or talk about local things, my proud bubble is burst at having to repeat myself 3 times. 

Friend: Where is the waterfall?

Me: Near Semenyih.

Friend: …Where?

Me: Semenyih.

Friend: [mocking] Sm-n-yii [laughing]

Me: What?!? That's how you say it?!

Friend: It's "Semenyih"

Me: That's what I said?!  [it sounded THE SAME]

Friend: Which waterfall?

Me: Tekala

Friend: [mocking some more] Tak-aaa-laa [laughing some more]

Me: =.=

Friend: I like how you say it. Haha. Where is it again?

Me: =.="

The one occasion where my words were instantly understood was in conversation with Barbecue Bastard. 

Unfortunately then, I was too busy being scolded for asking a question in the first place, to actually bask in the glory of my success. 

Sigh. 

One day you will forget I am Mat Salleh and you will accept me, funny accent and all…

Satu Malaysia

I had a magical 1Malaysia experience last night. 

My friend had her engagement ceremony at an Indian Temple. 

…many an Indian experience in recent weeks (deepavali fair & shopping, tamil school prize giving - don't ask - and this), such fun.

Especially the dressing up.

And the eating -  after the ceremony it was time for the number one Malaysian ritual - makan. 

The food was delish. 

As usual. 

And once no longer starving, I made an observation. 

I was seated at a full table of 8. 

The two guys to my right were chatting in Tamil. 

To my left, a Chinese couple were talking (erm…Mandarin? …Cantonese? One or the other :P )

And across the table, two other friends having a conversation in Bahasa Melayu. 

Which as I paused and watched the scene, like a movie, it warmed my heart. 

I mean, how many countries can you go to and not understand 3 whole conversations at once?!?!

Haha, for real, I love Malaysia!

------------------------------

Although this did leave me, failing to properly communicate in any of these languages, to have a silent, actions-only conversation with the final guest at the table. 

The 3 year old. 

Sounds about normal to me...

Mr Socialist

Failed on my Monday blog post…did you miss me??

I spent the weekend in Jakarta being called "Hey Mister", getting mobbed by small children and aunties wanting to take pictures with the Mat Salleh and eating Nasi Gila Spesial. 

[nasi goreng gila, also can?]

Fun times. 

Although a weekend of fun has thrown a spanner in the works of my…works. 

Lots to do, not much time to do it. 

So my friend called and wanted to hang out this week.

Friend: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Deepavali fair. 

(Well…yah, maybe it's not the work that's keeping me busy…)

Friend: Oh, ok. 

Me: But Thursday can?

Friend: Ok

Me: Let me check though.

[I check calendar]

Me: Oh no…oh no!

Friend: You said it twice. That means you're double booked. And neither of them is me.

Me: Haha. Ya. But…huh…I don't know what happened to my week?

Friend: I do!  [with defiance] You're a socialist!

Not sure that's what you really meant, is it?

Malaysian English

In the past week or so, I have caught myself at the end of two completely ridiculous sentences (and I don't doubt there were more…):

"…although we are have a day of nothing…"

and

"…he had so much no money…"

Is English my second language?

No! 

So what's my excuse, what language was that?

I swear, even last year, I would have stopped mid-sentence, each time, and re-phrased the sentence. What has happened to me, that I don't bother anymore..?

Actually I know the answer. 

Malaysia. 

Malaysia is what has happened - sorry - but this nation is disabling my ability for proper speech!

Because when words like "alphabets" and "outstation", or literal translations such as, "can you off the lights",  are in regular circulation, of course my English gets messed up! They're not real words or sentences! :P

But I am proud to say that I now understand your "language". When anyone from the motherland graces me with their presence here, I am reminded just how much of a skill this truly is. I literally become a translator. From English to English. Case in point, when frequently mentioned English friend was here recently, the following conversation took place:

Malaysian Friend: "It's not random, it's just like…how I think."

…slight pause…

English Friend: "...What?"

Malaysian Friend: "What?"

English Friend: "A zombie relay?"

Malaysian Friend: "What??"

English Friend: "Did you just say, 'That's just like me, I'm running a zombie relay?' "

Malaysian Friend: "Whaaaat, no?!"

That actually happened. 

So I understand your "Malaysian English". I am slightly less proud to have started speaking it...

A Snow Globe of Fish

It's been a whole week since I last posted. Don't be upset. I'm back with language tales from Pulau Perhentian!

---------------------------------------------

One of my best buds from my homeland is currently visiting me, so I took her for a trip to the beach.

We arrived and began the hunt for accommodation…which luckily, despite being super-high season, was easy. We looked at two places and in the end, here's how the decision went:

- Chalet 1 : has a baby monkey!! 

- Chalet 2 : has 24 hour electricity. 

Reluctantly, we opted for number 2, on the pretext that we would sneak next door and play with monkey anyway.

[comel!!!]

---------------------------------------------

Time for snorkelling then!?

We'd already seen many signs on the beach for snorkel trips at 2pm…so we got our kit on and headed in the right direction. 

Along the way we bumped into what could only be described as the Malay version of Captain Jack Sparrow. 

Cpt Jack: Snorkelling?

Us: Yes.

Cpt Jack looked surprised to be taken up on this throwaway offer, and paused, tilting his head slightly to decide what to do next. 

Cpt Jack: You have mask?

Us: No.

Literally, he was like a wild pirate -  you could see his thoughts form slowly on his face, his speech was accurate but slurred together so everything was one word, and his arms flailed loosely as he explained and questioned. All signs of one who's taken way too many drugs or spent far too long in the sun.

Or both. 

For some reason we didn't walk away, and agreed to get into a boat with him. 

But first, we had to pick up the masks and flippers from Chalet 1 (see before). As we waited, the small, naked toddler who was resident there, ran around with a toy in his hand. He dropped it here and there, put it on the see-saw, offered it to us then withdrew and clasped it to his chest. In the end he dumped it into the basket of his small bicycle. Turns out the toy was a kitten. 

0.0

[tiny kitty and monkey]

We returned to the beach and were informed that Cpt Jack's friend wanted to take us snorkelling, so to avoid a fight, Cpt Jack was releasing us to him. Which in retrospect, was a rather lucky escape. 

It was a delightful trip, saw sharks (yess!) and turtles and lots of other fish (sorry other fish…you don't have names…)

Although, one of my highlights was when another boat was throwing bread to the small stripey fish (and I'm sure at one point, onto my back…) and they were swimming around in huge clusters. And my friend threw me this incredible line:

Friend: Come over here, it's like being in a snow globe of fish!

Such an accurate description! I sunk just below the water level and didn't move - my whole goggle-vision-area was a layer of fish. Cool. 

---------------------------------------------

The other fun thing about being on an island, aside from swimming with fish…is eating them :)

Fresh fish BBQ is yummy.

[yummy]

But, we made the mistake of ordering from the BBQ and the normal menu. Which was an error because they are clearly not time-co-ordinated. So our vegetables arrived. And our fish hadn't even reached the grill. What to do? Eat in shifts? Wait till they're both done? …go and ask for special favours..?? 

Yes. 

The latter. When on holiday, actually no - always. Life in general, it's fun to be a bit cheeky. So I volunteered to practice my BM (making the effort, even if you fail, surely increases your chances?) and go ask them to prioritise our fish. 

Tipping the odds in our favour, was the fact that after we ordered our food, the barbecue man said to us:

"Mmm. Lovely girls."

Cheeky, no? Therefore, it's a winner. 

I cobbled together the sentence: 

"'Bang…bakar ikan saya dulu..??"

...And trotted off to deliver it. 

It did not go well. 

Barbecue bastard (as he later became known) grumpily told me, "I following the rules. There is a line. I follow the line", whilst gesturing angrily at the long line of fish, with his BBQ tongs. 

0.0

Geez. You can be cheeky but we can't? Humph. 

On the plus side…he understood me! Hurrah!!

---------------------------------------------

We ate the veggies first.

=.=

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But to make us feel a little smug, barbecue bastard quickly realised he had responded rather too harshly to the nice English girls, and spent the next few days trying to make a mends - waving, smiling and making polite conversation as often as possible. And giving double portions of watermelon (see above picture).

You know what I say to that?

FANTASTICS!